Revenge of the Precious Young Lady

First of all, I would like to say that Miley Cyrus was GREAT on SNL this past weekend. Not that her acting or music are particularly good, (except the We Can't Stop parody, which was tits) or that SNL's writing and sketches are in their prime, but because Miley continues her Unapologetic Motherfucking Tour with both birds in the air doing whatever the fuck she wants with her crazy-dancing-Cynthia-doll-looking-self.

Cynthiaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I realize that in our ADD pop culture world, that twerkin' ship has sailed and we're already on to new non-scandals, but FUCK IT I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, and it has been festering inside of me like an dormant volcano of rage-words...so here it comes.

FUCK YOUR FEIGNED MORAL OUTRAGE, AMERICA. Oh my goddddddddd with a thousand d's combined with eye rolls. Currently, it’s hardline conservative GOP members having the audacity to build their entire careers on Preserving The Sacred Traditions Of American Democracy Just The Way Our Founder Fathers Intended, Goddamnit rhetoric while simultaneously having a little baby temper tantrum and purposely shitting in their diapers made of Constitutions. BUT MORE IMPORTANT than the continued existance of the democratic process as we know it-- America is still clutching their pearl necklaces and fanning themselves over I DO DECLARE! THAT MILEY MONTANARUS PUTTING HER VAGINA ALL OVER EVERYWHERE AND GOOD LORD THINK OF THE CHILDREN. People just can’t stop feeling SO PUT UPON by women being in any way sexual and/or Obamas being in any way successful.

If you were recently released from your carbonite prison and you have not heard, I’ll catch you up: On a ubiquitous awards show from a television station that is unanimously reviled by literally everyone except 12-17 year olds, an adult-woman, who was once a child-girl on television but is not anymore, sang a song with sexual overtones accompanied by dancing with sexual overtones. Across America, women fainted and had to be revived with smelling salts. If this sounds familiar, you’re right it is, because if you reach into this leather sack of dates that I have lying around, the aforementioned statement refers to every VMA since the start of the VMAS.

Oh my GOD, enough with the self-righteous finger wagging at Miley Cyrus. The most anti-feminist thing on earth has been spilling out of feminists (and everyone else’s) mouth with force and damage of a shoddily maintained Gulf of Mexico oil-rig (LOL, REMEMBER WHEN THAT HAPPENED?). People keep going on about how Miley is being exploited, and no matter how much she thinks she’s in control, she’s not, because she’s just a stupid little girl who needs to keep her stupid sexuality to her stupid self before she breaks America. Hey Miley, JT already brought sexy back and it CAN ONLY BE IN THE FORM OF WHITE MALE HETEROSEXUALITY. (Hear that, Thicke, sexy is ALREADY BACK, so you can go away now, kthnxbye).

I'm still waiting for someone to just say "She simulated masturbation on stage AND EVERYONE KNOWS WOMEN DON'T DO THAT!" Because that's what all this is about. It's not about "protecting" Miley, and its not about "protecting" the girls who see it. It's about maintaining a status quo of gender normative ass-backwards sexism in pop culture. People who pretend like anyone of the female persuasion are delicate little flowers who could POSSIBLY embrace their own sexuality, their own bodies, and their own creative constructs are nothing more than real life concern trolls. Why don’t we all just cut the shit, ban abortion and birth control, institute nationwide mandatory female genital mutilation, and lock women securely away on farms where they can get their sexin’ the old fashioned way; joyless baby-producing missionary through a hole in the sheet.

If I was Miley I'd just keep pushing the envelope even further. Do it girl! Go nuts. And laugh while you do it. And fuck anyone, especially Sinead Motherfucking O Conner, for all their condescending anti-feminist “concern” for your “well being” because you’re being exploited by some faceless panel of Music Man Overlords. Sinead gently explained to Lil’ Miley in her dulcet Irish tones;

“You ought be protected as a precious young lady by anyone in your employ and anyone around you, including you. This is a dangerous world.”

OH MY GOD SHUT UP SHUT UP FUCK YOU SHUT UP!  I don’t entirely blame Miley for her immature Twitter feuding, because if someone ever referred to me as a precious young lady I would fucking donkey punch them. This is so fucking patronizing! She isn't a child. She is an adult with a brain and agency and ideas. And she has been in the business for some time, and can clearly make her own choices. She has repeatedly spoken in interviews about how she is interested in experimenting artistically and not being boxed into a genre. Women in entertainment do not need to be protected from their own sexuality and confined to some anachronistic Puritan values system. There is no doubt that there is a lot of male driven misogynistic female-exploitation in popular culture, but THIS IS NOT AN EXAMPLE OF THAT.

Girl wants to twerk, let her twerk! Let her twerk and YOLO and swag and Sacajawea and whatever the fuck else people are doing these days, and then let her go through a velvet-erotica experimental music stage, followed by a brief flirtation with post-rock where she collabs with the remaining members of Pavement, and then, when she's 45, let her continue to release heavily-auto tuned dance remixes that are only spun at gay bars and the 60th season of RuPaul's Drag Race.

(Yeah, that’s still on in 25 years, and Logo is the new MTV and RuPaul is a motherfucking cyborg and they lip-synch for their life IN SPACE.)

Speaking of RuPaul and former child-starts who came-of-age and were slut shamed for embracing their sexuality through their music:  Britney’s back (back-back-back, I think this is her 3^rd comeback) bitch. And she has done some sort of Face/Off/Freaky Friday thing with RuPaul where they switch places. Either way, it’s amazing and Brit Brit maintains her place as Queen of Treadmill Music and may her reign be long and auto-tuned. 

And words of encouragement to that Precious Young Lady; Gale sucks, #TeamPeeta, Liam Hemsworth is borrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiingggggggggggg.

Happy Monday, everyone. May you take on your day with the force of a thousand Miley Cyrus Tongues. And, ladies, remember: 

We bought a zoo.

I mean a condo. We bought a condo. 

What I'm Watching II: Warehouse 13

Netflix, oh Netflix, how did you become such a beautiful indicator of tastes? You know me better than my mother, my girlfriend, or my therapist. Your recommendations are sometimes dubious, (REALLY, Vampire Diaries, what made you think that? Oh, I see, you do remember the time I was home alone and secretly drank a 6-pack of Lagunitas IPA and watched Twilight: New Moon. I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS WAS ABOUT!), but you always have what I need, and you have enough in your inventory to keep the "What Should We Watch" conversation on Friday night civil, most of the time. 

While we live in the middle of an amazing city, we have slipped comfortably into Netflix-n-Sweatpants phase (yay!) and I love me a good show marathon.

Netflix, and what to watch, has and will likely be again, the source of some epic snark-fights in the House of Ville. If it were up to my girlfriend we would only watch documentaries about transgender brothers trying to adopt Siamese twins from Sri Lanka, or depressing tales of Bulgarian orphans, or Japanese Host Clubs, or this sad and terrible tale of prostitution around the world (I highly recommend, but not if you're already in a low place. The Bangladeshi section is mega-depressing).  I, on the other hand, am perfectly happy re-watching nothing but The Hunger Games and The Office (S1-5 only plz) over and over for ever and ever. She would rather chew off her own arm than re-watch The L Word or V For Vendetta again. So, obviously, our tastes and viewing styles run in varied directions. 

We both, however, love Sci Fi (and SyFy) series. I got her into Battlestar Galactica 2 years ago, which she consumed voraciously and I don't think we spoke for 3 weeks while she sat glued to TV or laptop, taking a break only to demand spoilers which I judiciously refused to give her. (She claims she "guessed" what Starbuck was, but I KNOW SHE GOOGLED THAT SHIT!)

We just started another SyFy series, Warehouse 13,  and are loving the crap out of it. I especially love that it is fairly non-linear, (besides some basic story-arcs needed to drive a series forward) so if we want to watch while the other one isn't here it doesn't destroy our understanding of the series or invoke accusations of Netflix Watching Infidelity (which is basically like actual infidelity...sometimes worse. I mean, what was more angering? Piper cheating on Larry with Alex in prison, or Larry watching Mad Men while she was away in prison? We all know the answer to this. Fuck you, Larry.)

Episodes In: 12 (about to move on to Season 2)

Best So Far: I missed a huge gap of episodes in the middle that Jenny watched while I was at a work event, but I really enjoyed "Episode 10, Breakdown". There is a fun dynamic of Pete, Myka, and Claudia as "kids left home alone" as the Warehouse begins to malfunction. Enjoyed the Sylvia Plath reference and Pete has some great 1-liners.

Actor Crossover: So far, I've seen TWO BSG characters, which puts me on high alert for more. Col. Tigh is Myka's father (fun Lesbian Fact, he is also Dana's father in "The L Word") and the Mysterious Blind Lawyer is one of the Regents! Wooh, BSG!

Gayscale: Currently at 0, but I know that there is some serious subtext to come whenever H.G. Wells gets introduced that the ladies over at AfterEllen get wet-in-the-cargo-shorts about. 

Oh Look, a Kenzie!: The tried and true "Procedural" method of adding a "Quirky Sarcastic Goth Sidekick" rears its head! And it totally works, Claudia is a great foil for Artie, and her character has depth. She works well with Pete as a mischievous bro. Most importantly, she isn't a grown woman wearing pigtails which I HATE.

                                                YOU ARE AN ADULT! IS THAT A CHOKER?

Pros: Easily consumable, and good for a quick watch if you just want to grab a few episodes. It's not a show that is going to "suck me in" to the storyline (yet), which is nice, because I don't have the time right now to become obsessively invested in some massive nerd universe (I'm still recovering from my LOST days...)

Cons: I mean it's totally a little hokey, and totally a ripoff of Bones (down to some David Boreanez lookalike casting) and X Files, and as Jenny said, "Why did the guy get to be the fun and easy going one and the girl has to be the uptight bitch?" 

Pointless Spawn: NO POINTLESS SPAWN! Though I have yet to understand Leena's purpose...

Best Character: Mrs. Frederic. She's great as the no-nonsense omnipotent boss. I also enjoy Pete's little side comments. 

Shipping: No one yet, and if they do the Castle/Bones/XFiles 'will they won't they' shit with Myka and Pete I'll be thoroughly disappointed. 

What I'm Watching

We got rid of cable because I finally got a beloved PS3 (days before they announced they are coming out with a PS4, of course). When I am not getting video game vengeance by destroying racist homophobes in Call of Duty I am backwatching a lot of shows I have been interested in viewing but never did because memorizing tv schedules is hard and I go to bed early. The following is a brief update of What I'm Watching.

Chicago Fire

Episodes in: 15

Best Episode: Episode 3 "Professional Courtesy" the one where we are introduced to corrupt Det. Voight whose gravelly voice is incredibly scary. 

Actor Crossover: CARMEN DE LA PICA MORALES!!! Oh heeeey Carmen...can't wait for you to hook up with Sha---SON OF A BITCH, Severide. Also, blast from the past, Shiri Appleby from Roswell, which makes me feel nostalgic because I watched the shit out of every show WB greenlit in the late nineties and early ots (Even Savannah!)

Gayscale: 2— Hey, thanks for including LGBT characters, but how about lets not assume that every woman just needs a Severide to remind her to fuck dudes. Kthanks. 

Pros: Greys Anatomy in a fire house in Chicago. Even includes Stern But Understanding African American Chief With Marriage Troubles. Also, Severide and Eric Dane are probably brothers.

Cons: Not as much hooking up as Greys because too many doods. Seriously lacking in Christina Yangs.

Pointless spawn: Clarice's baby with her husband. Blergh.

Best Character: Hermann, he's just great. 

Shipping: I am heteroshipping Dawson and Peter Mills, because FUCK CASEY. Oh, I ship Otis and Mouch's bromance HARD. I read that Tania Raymonde (LOST, that lifetime movie about Jodi Arias that was AMAZING) fingers crossed shes like "heeeey shaaaaay"

Once Upon A Time

Episodes In: 9

Best So Far: Eh, I don't know, but the worst one is that stupid Hansel and Gretel one...

Actor Crossover: OMG RENARD (Bond Villian, The World Is Not Enough) is Mr. Gold! 

Gayscale: I end every Regina/Emma encounter with “Then then make out?” resulting in sigh and eye roll from girlfriend.  Solid 7. And according to the internet, will increase to at least 9 in future episodes. 

Pros: I love any show with flashback storylines! The Mr. Gold backstory is thus far my favorite. 

Cons: Oh my god, painfully bad green-screen scenarios in flashback storylines, and sometimes the transition of Fairy Tale to Modern World characters are ridiculous. So many plot holes it makes LOST plot holes look like Harry Potter plot holes.

Pointless Spawn: Uhhh...I guess I can't say Henry is pointless, but he sure is annoying. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING IN THAT MINE SHAFT, YOU LITTLE SHIT???

Best Characters: Regina is deliciously evil. 

Shipping: I am quietly rooting for Regina to end up a power dyke and I don't give a fuck who it is with. 

Orange is the New Black

Episodes In: Finished it, and for the last episode Comcast’s stupid internet failed and we were so desperate we had to watch it sharing earbuds on an iPhone. 

Best So Far: When Alex gets locked in that dryer.

Actor Crossover: fucking EVERYONE, but the one that makes me laugh the hardest is Taylor Schilling was Dagney Whatsherface in that awful fucking Ayn Rand Masturbation Project- Atlas Shrugged. Because railroads are relevant! Also, Pornstache is a very scary sociopath in the finale of Law and Order: MHB (Mariska Hargitay In V Necks. I keep waiting for Helena Peabody to appear. WHERE IS HELENA????

Gayscale: 22, 78 when Laura Prepon is on the screen. Holy shit, I feel like Foreman when he realized Donna was a woman.

Number of inappropriate dreams I’ve had about Laura Prepon since the show: 15

Number of inappropriate dreams I’ve had about Laura Prepon that also involve sharks living in swimming pools: 2 (thanks Sharknado!)

Pros: you can watch it all at once in a 11 hour period while you run out of things to eat you just resort to putting mustard and shredded cheddar on old tortillas and your eyes film over from not blinking and rewind Piper getting out of solitary and.....you know.

Cons: It makes me think about heavy shit like race relations and crime recidivism and sometimes Piper is a little too Nancy-From-Weeds-Manipulative-Narcissist and I start to hate her. 

Pointless Spawn: the whole Daya-Bennett Prison Baby. Is Bennett supposed to be a protagonist? Fuck that guy.

Best Character: TAYSTEE and Poussey.

Shipping: I ship Pipalex, like everyone else. I also want Crazy Eyes to find some swirl who appreciates her in season 2.

Roundup

Shows: 3

Lesbians: 10 (1 Chicago Fire, 9 OITNB...low estimate)

The L Word Actress Appearances: 1

Over-long introductory sequences: 1 (good god, OITNB, the only thing that could make that any longer is if Betty was singing it...)

Number of These Shows My Girlfriend Will Actually Watch With Me: 2 

Coming soon:

LOST Girl

The Fosters

and if I ever start it, Defiance.

Treasure Trolling

So, Jezebel/autostraddle et al started my August right with the tale of colossal douchenoodle David Hookstead, Sconnie Brophisticate (Brophisticate (bro-fist-ick-ate, noun)- Bro who fancies himself the cultured, learned, scholar to the ladies but is really just an insecure sexist douchebag in a vest) and editor/Creator/Supreme Narcissist behind the UW-Madcity online Clusterfuck "Madison Confessions".

I was once a brief resident of Madison (not in a student capacity) which is basically the Seattle of the Midwest, and it is a beacon of liberal light in a state where the Imperial Walker reigns supreme. Madison (and Wisconsin as a whole) is a great place full of my favorite things Beer, Cheese, and The Sports. If you're ever there check out Cleveland's Diner/Plaka for a double-dip-day (greasy spoon breakfast in the AM and crazy good Greek food in the PM, OMG SO GOOD). As on every campus, there is always one smug, self important blowhard who gains notoriety for his douchitude, and, unfortunately a lot of fans as well, because some people are terrible. At my alma mater it was the BSU Ass Slapper....blech.

At UW it is this chode. I hope that UW-Madison realizes that this is not the face they want to wear and chuck this guy into the Badger den. David Hookstead is the absolute worst.

After reading through his awful Twitter account which borrows heavily from the Condescending Morally Superior Megalomaniac Template of Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson and Philosophy 100 argument tactics I saw an opportunity to make some jokes.

So I did...

Then some other random guy on Twitter joined me. And we made some more. You can see our joyful exchange here.  And that's why I didn't get any work done yesterday and had to double time stuff this morning- because I was trolling David Hookstead on Twitter until he blocked me. It was a good day.

A Gay Immoral Evening Of Gayness

In light of the recent Supreme Court ruling, which was made over the furious wail and fist shaking of Judge Scalia (KENNNNNNNNNNNNNEDY!) I thought it would be enlightening to let everyone know what kind of Gay Immoral Gay Stuff I did in the past week. The following list of Gay Things I Did will help you understand how DOMA was PROTECTING all those heterosexual marriages from getting polluted by my GAY LIFESTYLE.

Last Weekend: 

Friday night we ended up accidentally hosting an Apartment Complex Booze Session at the neighborhood bar with a bunch of our neighbors. It was like a meeting of the Gay Mafia. 

"I amuse you?"

This included lengthy discussions and amazing impressions of the Long Island Medium and favorite Star Trek incarnations (I'm the only asshole who loved DS9). No outward discussion of gay sex orgies, but obviously the gay subtext was there because there were 5 gays in one place and especially when I mentioned my love for Jeri Ryan. So, +2 Scalia.

The quote of the night was:

"Girl, I'm Cuban. We are like the Jews of the Caribbean!"

Saturday we went white water rafting on the Mighty Wenatchee. It was a clear, amazing, beautiful day, but no bald eagle sightings (boo). Our guide was like a caricature of what a white water rafting guide should be (the phrase "I took on the Yukon when I was 10, brah" was used). I was just worried that Jenny was going to fly out and get sucked down the river and so I could hardly focus on paddling in unison with the rest of the raft. Not a lot of immoral stuff went on...but I DID have a giant hole in the crotch of my wet suit. 

I am totally not paying attention, just looking over to make sure I don't lose my girlfriend to rapid called "Drunkard's Drop".

We hit up the cute Bavarian town of Leavenworth and ate a bratwurst burger so fast that I got the meat sweats and had to lay my head down. Then I had to look in a giant Christmas-decoration store and I thought I was going to have to tackle Jenny and shove her in a straight jacket to stop her from buying $10,000 Pug Santa ornaments and horrifying lifesized nutcrackers. We DID buy a Leavenworth magnet for our magnet collection that is busty-chest-in-lederhosen...so Gaypoint +1 Scalia. 

You know these fuckers come alive at night. 

Saturday night we came home and crashed hard from all the Immoral Gay Driving and Immoral Gay Shopping and Eating of German Food. 

Sunday morning, brunch, as it is Gay Church where we take in the blood of the Father (Mimosas/RuPaul). Then we headed to the outlet malls because I have like 4 outfits I wear to work and people are starting to notice. I did some SERIOUS DAMAGE to the j.crew outlet and had to be dragged out of Cole Hahn before I purchased 15 pairs of wingtips:

All in all I'd say my weekend exposed the dangers of the gay lifestyle and its love of trash-tv, factory-outlet discounts, Christmas decorating, and multi-colored wingtip shoes. 

So Scalia, I'm sorry things didn't go your way, and I'm sure that when I'm burning in hell for all eternity for being in a mature, loving relationship with someone with matching genitals I will at least look fly as hell in my new (60% off!) j.crew button down.

Also, fuck you, you fucking fuck. 

Halloween III or What the Hell, Irish People????

Most people believe "Halloween III: Season of the Witch" is fucking terrible. It's a taint on the franchise, much like all the other incarnations of Halloween. (RE: Halloween Resurrection. Katee Sackhoff +1 but Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes -2). I actually like it, but that's because I like REALLY shitty horror movies.  It's basically a batshit crazy mixture of horror genres with the franchise name tacked on to the front of the title. The only point that Michael Myers is in it.... is on the TV at the bar that main character, an unapologetic alcoholic doctor, is drinking at when he first encounters the Evil Halloween Mask Advertisement Song.

Here is a summary for those of you who are lame and have not seen this movie.

An old mask salesman is discovered running around like a crazy man clutching the popular halloween mask. The mask has a billion crazy commercials with horrible disembodied childrens heads singing and dancing and counting down to halloween. Obviously, these masks are terrible and evil. The old man is committed to a hospital, clutching a pumpkin mask. That night a Matrix style Mr. Smith man in a suit calmly walks into the hospital grabs this dude by the nose and rips his nose bone from his face and crushes his skull with his hands. This scene severely disturbed me as a child. Then he calmly walks out (homage to Michael, perhaps?) and sits in his car, douses himself in gasoline and blows the shit out of himself. The main character, who I will call Dr. Moustache, is very disturbed, because the day before this old man warned him that "THEY'RE GONNA KILL US ALL" while waving the mask in his face. Dr. Moustache feels bad, and feels more bad when the man's daughter comes in and cries in the hallway. She is hot, Dr. Moustache wants to bang her, so he goes to the bar and drinks a lot. Then the girl comes in and they talk for about 5 minutes and they decide to travel together to the town in California that makes the masks. Yes, they have known each other for about six minutes. You cannot resist the charms of Dr. Moustache and the gutsy gal that just wants to find out who ripped her dad's skull apart. Before he went to the bar Dr. Moustache stopped off at the medical examiners office, where he speaks with Teddy***, who he is clearly banging (Dr. Moustache gets around) and she explains that there is no sign that a man was ever in the car. Just mechanical car parts. FORESHADOWING! Spoiler alert, Teddy eventually gets a drill to the temple by one of the Mr. Smiths. 

Dr. Moustache and Gutsy Daughter go to a town called Santa Mira, where the Lucky Shamrock company is based. It's a company town full of Irish people who work for the patriarch Conal Cochran who runs the factory. Also there are CCTV cameras all over the town and a 6pm curfew. Nothing fishy here! Just a '1984' style company town with soulless Irish people glaring at you as you drive by! The Doc and his new lady get a cheap motel room and immediately have sex.

A lot of filler shit happens. A chick gets laserbeamed through the face by one of the masks, a little kid puts on his mask, turns on the tv, and gets told to watch the magic pumpkin on the commercial, and then the mask eats his face and replaces it with cockroaches. And worms. And snakes.

Dr. Moustache witnesses this after he is captured, and he has the best bad acting moment where he raises his clenched fist to the sky, shuts his eyes, and shakes  his head "NOOOOOO!". It's hilarious. After a fight with one of the Mr. Smiths that ends in the Mr. Smith getting punched until yellow goo shoots of out all his orifices (because Dr. Moustache is also a ferocious street fighter) Dr. Moustache learns that the people in the town are all androids. Yes, an Irish immigrant built androids to run his novelty factory in rural California. Built hundreds of thousands of worker androids. So that he could make murder masks.  

By now you're probably wondering, why does this Crazy Irish Patriarch Conal Cochran want to kill children using halloween masks and mind control commercials? Well, let me tell you why. Because he's a dick. He makes a speech that essentially implies that Ireland, modern Ireland, is inhabited by poor Irish pagans nuts who still sacrifice children to celebrate Samhain.

After this speech that explains nothing about why Conal Cochran hates children and wants to put magical computer chips in his masks so that they will eat the children's faces, Dr. Moustache gets his own mask, and watches the original "Halloween" for awhile. Then he escapes like a ninja.

He rescues Gutsy Girl who is now renamed Mrs. Useless, because she is so fucking useless in this movie. Then he sabatoges the factory by using the mask commercial mind control AGAINST Cochran and his android army. How did he do this? We don't know, and it doesn't matter. (These types of plot-holes and dead ends are here to prepare you for a lifetime of feelings of confusion and anger when you experience other, more fury-inducing plotholes. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, TIME TURNER FROM HARRY POTTER. WHY DIDN'T HERMIONE JUST GO BACK AND CAPTURE PETER PETTIGREW BEFORE HE BETRAYS HARRY'S PARENTS, GRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!) A giant blue laser ring forms around Cochran through the TVs and it connects to the giant Stonegenge stone...somewhere... which then blows up creating an explosion of similar force and proprotion to an atomic bomb. 

Useless Girl is somehow turned into an android and attacks Dr. Moustache. Her arm gets ripped off in the car crash and she still attacks him. So he bludgeons her head off with a tire iron. This teaches us that the best way to ditch a clingy woman is to beat her with a tire iron! Hooray!

Dr. Moustache goes to all the TV stations and demands they don't play the commercial. Because that's how TV works? They all agree, because, hey, this guy has a moustache AND is a Doctor...he probably knows what's up. But WAIT...all except ONE tv. The movie ends as Doc screams to turn off the TV.

Androids! Mind control! Snakes! Evil Irish People! Laser Beams! Moustaches!

Season of the Witch has it all! Except Michael Myers.  It has all sorts of stuff that makes good horror movies, but the outcome of this movie is hardly suprising. The writers and producer John Carpenter put a pinch of every single horror plotline imagined and mixed it all together. You know what happens when you go down the bar and make a concoction of all the different types of liquors? Nothing, except that you have a drink that tastes like shit and you eventually puke. This is what Halloween III is like.

So, if you thought the Leprechaun series and college town celebrations of St. Patrick's Day were offensive to Irish people, add this to the list...

***Fun Fact! Teddy, the chick who gets the drill to the dome, played the sluttttttty friend who says "like" all the time in the original Halloween.

****Another Fun Fact! The girl who plays Annie in the  Rob Zombie Halloween Reboot is the girl who played Jamie Lloyd, the little girl who Michael wanted to kill in Halloweens 4 and 5. 

*****And ANOTHER fun fact. That same actress that played Annie and Jamie Lloyd played the goth-roommate Tash in the "Urban Legend" movie! Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light???? Aren't you glad I have IMDB!?