A Gay Immoral Evening Of Gayness

In light of the recent Supreme Court ruling, which was made over the furious wail and fist shaking of Judge Scalia (KENNNNNNNNNNNNNEDY!) I thought it would be enlightening to let everyone know what kind of Gay Immoral Gay Stuff I did in the past week. The following list of Gay Things I Did will help you understand how DOMA was PROTECTING all those heterosexual marriages from getting polluted by my GAY LIFESTYLE.

Last Weekend: 

Friday night we ended up accidentally hosting an Apartment Complex Booze Session at the neighborhood bar with a bunch of our neighbors. It was like a meeting of the Gay Mafia. 

"I amuse you?"

This included lengthy discussions and amazing impressions of the Long Island Medium and favorite Star Trek incarnations (I'm the only asshole who loved DS9). No outward discussion of gay sex orgies, but obviously the gay subtext was there because there were 5 gays in one place and especially when I mentioned my love for Jeri Ryan. So, +2 Scalia.

The quote of the night was:

"Girl, I'm Cuban. We are like the Jews of the Caribbean!"

Saturday we went white water rafting on the Mighty Wenatchee. It was a clear, amazing, beautiful day, but no bald eagle sightings (boo). Our guide was like a caricature of what a white water rafting guide should be (the phrase "I took on the Yukon when I was 10, brah" was used). I was just worried that Jenny was going to fly out and get sucked down the river and so I could hardly focus on paddling in unison with the rest of the raft. Not a lot of immoral stuff went on...but I DID have a giant hole in the crotch of my wet suit. 

I am totally not paying attention, just looking over to make sure I don't lose my girlfriend to rapid called "Drunkard's Drop".

We hit up the cute Bavarian town of Leavenworth and ate a bratwurst burger so fast that I got the meat sweats and had to lay my head down. Then I had to look in a giant Christmas-decoration store and I thought I was going to have to tackle Jenny and shove her in a straight jacket to stop her from buying $10,000 Pug Santa ornaments and horrifying lifesized nutcrackers. We DID buy a Leavenworth magnet for our magnet collection that is busty-chest-in-lederhosen...so Gaypoint +1 Scalia. 

You know these fuckers come alive at night. 

Saturday night we came home and crashed hard from all the Immoral Gay Driving and Immoral Gay Shopping and Eating of German Food. 

Sunday morning, brunch, as it is Gay Church where we take in the blood of the Father (Mimosas/RuPaul). Then we headed to the outlet malls because I have like 4 outfits I wear to work and people are starting to notice. I did some SERIOUS DAMAGE to the j.crew outlet and had to be dragged out of Cole Hahn before I purchased 15 pairs of wingtips:

All in all I'd say my weekend exposed the dangers of the gay lifestyle and its love of trash-tv, factory-outlet discounts, Christmas decorating, and multi-colored wingtip shoes. 

So Scalia, I'm sorry things didn't go your way, and I'm sure that when I'm burning in hell for all eternity for being in a mature, loving relationship with someone with matching genitals I will at least look fly as hell in my new (60% off!) j.crew button down.

Also, fuck you, you fucking fuck.