First of all, I would
like to say that Miley Cyrus was GREAT on SNL this past weekend. Not that her acting or music are particularly good, (except the We Can't Stop parody, which was tits) or that SNL's writing and sketches are in their prime, but because Miley continues her Unapologetic Motherfucking Tour with both birds in the air doing whatever the fuck she wants with her crazy-dancing-Cynthia-doll-looking-self.
Cynthiaaaaaaaaaaaa!
I realize that in our ADD pop culture world, that twerkin' ship has sailed and we're already on to new non-scandals, but FUCK IT I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, and it has been festering inside of me like an dormant volcano of rage-words...so here it comes.
FUCK YOUR FEIGNED MORAL OUTRAGE, AMERICA. Oh my goddddddddd with a thousand d's combined with eye rolls. Currently, it’s hardline
conservative GOP members having the audacity to build their entire careers on Preserving The Sacred Traditions Of American
Democracy Just The Way Our Founder Fathers Intended, Goddamnit rhetoric while simultaneously having a little baby temper tantrum and purposely shitting in their diapers made of Constitutions. BUT MORE IMPORTANT than the continued existance of the democratic process as we know it-- America is still clutching their
pearl necklaces and fanning themselves over I DO DECLARE! THAT MILEY MONTANARUS PUTTING HER VAGINA ALL OVER EVERYWHERE AND GOOD LORD THINK OF THE CHILDREN. People just can’t stop feeling SO PUT
UPON by women being in any way sexual and/or Obamas being in any way
successful.
If you were recently released from your carbonite prison and you have not heard, I’ll catch you up: On a ubiquitous awards show
from a television station that is unanimously reviled by literally everyone except
12-17 year olds, an adult-woman, who was once a child-girl on television but is
not anymore, sang a song with sexual overtones accompanied by dancing with
sexual overtones. Across America, women fainted and had to be revived with
smelling salts. If this sounds familiar, you’re right it is, because if you
reach into this leather sack of dates that I have lying around, the
aforementioned statement refers to every VMA since the start of the VMAS.
Oh my GOD, enough
with the self-righteous finger wagging at Miley Cyrus. The most anti-feminist
thing on earth has been spilling out of feminists (and everyone else’s) mouth
with force and damage of a shoddily maintained Gulf of Mexico oil-rig (LOL, REMEMBER WHEN THAT HAPPENED?). People keep going on
about how Miley is being exploited, and no matter how much she thinks she’s in
control, she’s not, because she’s just a stupid little girl who needs to keep
her stupid sexuality to her stupid self before she breaks America. Hey Miley, JT
already brought sexy back and it CAN ONLY BE IN THE FORM OF WHITE MALE
HETEROSEXUALITY. (Hear that, Thicke, sexy is ALREADY BACK, so you can go away now, kthnxbye).
I'm still waiting for
someone to just say "She simulated masturbation on stage AND EVERYONE KNOWS
WOMEN DON'T DO THAT!" Because that's what all this is about. It's not
about "protecting" Miley, and its not about "protecting"
the girls who see it. It's about maintaining a status quo of gender normative
ass-backwards sexism in pop culture. People who pretend like anyone of the
female persuasion are delicate little flowers who could POSSIBLY embrace
their own sexuality, their own bodies, and their own creative constructs are
nothing more than real life concern trolls. Why don’t we all just cut the shit,
ban abortion and birth control, institute nationwide mandatory female genital mutilation, and lock women securely away on farms where they can get their
sexin’ the old fashioned way; joyless baby-producing missionary through a hole
in the sheet.
If I was Miley I'd
just keep pushing the envelope even further. Do it girl! Go nuts. And laugh
while you do it. And fuck anyone, especially Sinead Motherfucking O Conner, for
all their condescending anti-feminist “concern” for your “well being” because
you’re being exploited by some faceless panel of Music Man Overlords. Sinead gently explained to
Lil’ Miley in her dulcet Irish tones;
“You ought be protected as a precious young
lady by anyone in your employ and anyone around you, including you. This is a
dangerous world.”
OH MY GOD SHUT UP
SHUT UP FUCK YOU SHUT UP! I don’t entirely blame Miley for her immature
Twitter feuding, because if someone ever referred to me as a precious young
lady I would fucking donkey punch them. This is so fucking patronizing! She isn't a child. She is an adult with a brain and agency and ideas. And she has been in
the business for some time, and can clearly make her own choices. She has
repeatedly spoken in interviews about how she is interested in experimenting
artistically and not being boxed into a genre. Women in entertainment
do not need to be protected from their own sexuality and confined to some anachronistic Puritan values system. There is no doubt that there is a lot of male driven misogynistic female-exploitation in popular culture, but THIS IS NOT AN EXAMPLE OF THAT.
Girl wants to twerk,
let her twerk! Let her twerk and YOLO and swag and Sacajawea and whatever the
fuck else people are doing these days, and then let her go through a
velvet-erotica experimental music stage, followed by a brief flirtation with
post-rock where she collabs with the remaining members of Pavement, and then,
when she's 45, let her continue to release heavily-auto tuned dance remixes
that are only spun at gay bars and the 60th season of RuPaul's Drag Race.
(Yeah, that’s still on
in 25 years, and Logo is the new MTV and RuPaul is a motherfucking cyborg and
they lip-synch for their life IN SPACE.)
Speaking of RuPaul
and former child-starts who came-of-age and were slut shamed for embracing
their sexuality through their music: Britney’s back (back-back-back, I think this
is her 3rd comeback) bitch. And she has done some sort of
Face/Off/Freaky Friday thing with RuPaul where they switch places. Either way,
it’s amazing and Brit Brit maintains her place as Queen of Treadmill Music and may
her reign be long and auto-tuned.
And words of encouragement to that Precious Young Lady; Gale sucks, #TeamPeeta, Liam Hemsworth is borrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiingggggggggggg.
Happy Monday, everyone. May you take on your day with the force of a thousand Miley Cyrus Tongues. And, ladies, remember:
