Most people believe "Halloween III: Season of the Witch" is fucking terrible. It's a taint on the franchise, much like all the other incarnations of Halloween. (RE: Halloween Resurrection. Katee Sackhoff +1 but Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes -2). I actually like it, but that's because I like REALLY shitty horror movies. It's basically a batshit crazy mixture of horror genres with the franchise name tacked on to the front of the title. The only point that Michael Myers is in it.... is on the TV at the bar that main character, an unapologetic alcoholic doctor, is drinking at when he first encounters the Evil Halloween Mask Advertisement Song.
Here is a summary for those of you who are lame and have not seen this movie.
An old mask salesman is discovered running around like a crazy man clutching the popular halloween mask. The mask has a billion crazy commercials with horrible disembodied childrens heads singing and dancing and counting down to halloween. Obviously, these masks are terrible and evil. The old man is committed to a hospital, clutching a pumpkin mask. That night a Matrix style Mr. Smith man in a suit calmly walks into the hospital grabs this dude by the nose and rips his nose bone from his face and crushes his skull with his hands. This scene severely disturbed me as a child. Then he calmly walks out (homage to Michael, perhaps?) and sits in his car, douses himself in gasoline and blows the shit out of himself. The main character, who I will call Dr. Moustache, is very disturbed, because the day before this old man warned him that "THEY'RE GONNA KILL US ALL" while waving the mask in his face. Dr. Moustache feels bad, and feels more bad when the man's daughter comes in and cries in the hallway. She is hot, Dr. Moustache wants to bang her, so he goes to the bar and drinks a lot. Then the girl comes in and they talk for about 5 minutes and they decide to travel together to the town in California that makes the masks. Yes, they have known each other for about six minutes. You cannot resist the charms of Dr. Moustache and the gutsy gal that just wants to find out who ripped her dad's skull apart. Before he went to the bar Dr. Moustache stopped off at the medical examiners office, where he speaks with Teddy***, who he is clearly banging (Dr. Moustache gets around) and she explains that there is no sign that a man was ever in the car. Just mechanical car parts. FORESHADOWING! Spoiler alert, Teddy eventually gets a drill to the temple by one of the Mr. Smiths.
Dr. Moustache and Gutsy Daughter go to a town called Santa Mira, where the Lucky Shamrock company is based. It's a company town full of Irish people who work for the patriarch Conal Cochran who runs the factory. Also there are CCTV cameras all over the town and a 6pm curfew. Nothing fishy here! Just a '1984' style company town with soulless Irish people glaring at you as you drive by! The Doc and his new lady get a cheap motel room and immediately have sex.
A lot of filler shit happens. A chick gets laserbeamed through the face by one of the masks, a little kid puts on his mask, turns on the tv, and gets told to watch the magic pumpkin on the commercial, and then the mask eats his face and replaces it with cockroaches. And worms. And snakes.
Dr. Moustache witnesses this after he is captured, and he has the best bad acting moment where he raises his clenched fist to the sky, shuts his eyes, and shakes his head "NOOOOOO!". It's hilarious. After a fight with one of the Mr. Smiths that ends in the Mr. Smith getting punched until yellow goo shoots of out all his orifices (because Dr. Moustache is also a ferocious street fighter) Dr. Moustache learns that the people in the town are all androids. Yes, an Irish immigrant built androids to run his novelty factory in rural California. Built hundreds of thousands of worker androids. So that he could make murder masks.
By now you're probably wondering, why does this Crazy Irish Patriarch Conal Cochran want to kill children using halloween masks and mind control commercials? Well, let me tell you why. Because he's a dick. He makes a speech that essentially implies that Ireland, modern Ireland, is inhabited by poor Irish pagans nuts who still sacrifice children to celebrate Samhain.
After this speech that explains nothing about why Conal Cochran hates children and wants to put magical computer chips in his masks so that they will eat the children's faces, Dr. Moustache gets his own mask, and watches the original "Halloween" for awhile. Then he escapes like a ninja.
He rescues Gutsy Girl who is now renamed Mrs. Useless, because she is so fucking useless in this movie. Then he sabatoges the factory by using the mask commercial mind control AGAINST Cochran and his android army. How did he do this? We don't know, and it doesn't matter. (These types of plot-holes and dead ends are here to prepare you for a lifetime of feelings of confusion and anger when you experience other, more fury-inducing plotholes. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, TIME TURNER FROM HARRY POTTER. WHY DIDN'T HERMIONE JUST GO BACK AND CAPTURE PETER PETTIGREW BEFORE HE BETRAYS HARRY'S PARENTS, GRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!) A giant blue laser ring forms around Cochran through the TVs and it connects to the giant Stonegenge stone...somewhere... which then blows up creating an explosion of similar force and proprotion to an atomic bomb.
Useless Girl is somehow turned into an android and attacks Dr. Moustache. Her arm gets ripped off in the car crash and she still attacks him. So he bludgeons her head off with a tire iron. This teaches us that the best way to ditch a clingy woman is to beat her with a tire iron! Hooray!
Dr. Moustache goes to all the TV stations and demands they don't play the commercial. Because that's how TV works? They all agree, because, hey, this guy has a moustache AND is a Doctor...he probably knows what's up. But WAIT...all except ONE tv. The movie ends as Doc screams to turn off the TV.
Androids! Mind control! Snakes! Evil Irish People! Laser Beams! Moustaches!
Season of the Witch has it all! Except Michael Myers. It has all sorts of stuff that makes good horror movies, but the outcome of this movie is hardly suprising. The writers and producer John Carpenter put a pinch of every single horror plotline imagined and mixed it all together. You know what happens when you go down the bar and make a concoction of all the different types of liquors? Nothing, except that you have a drink that tastes like shit and you eventually puke. This is what Halloween III is like.
So, if you thought the Leprechaun series and college town celebrations of St. Patrick's Day were offensive to Irish people, add this to the list...
***Fun Fact! Teddy, the chick who gets the drill to the dome, played the sluttttttty friend who says "like" all the time in the original Halloween.
****Another Fun Fact! The girl who plays Annie in the Rob Zombie Halloween Reboot is the girl who played Jamie Lloyd, the little girl who Michael wanted to kill in Halloweens 4 and 5.
*****And ANOTHER fun fact. That same actress that played Annie and Jamie Lloyd played the goth-roommate Tash in the "Urban Legend" movie! Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light???? Aren't you glad I have IMDB!?
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