What I'm Watching

We got rid of cable because I finally got a beloved PS3 (days before they announced they are coming out with a PS4, of course). When I am not getting video game vengeance by destroying racist homophobes in Call of Duty I am backwatching a lot of shows I have been interested in viewing but never did because memorizing tv schedules is hard and I go to bed early. The following is a brief update of What I'm Watching.

Chicago Fire

Episodes in: 15

Best Episode: Episode 3 "Professional Courtesy" the one where we are introduced to corrupt Det. Voight whose gravelly voice is incredibly scary. 

Actor Crossover: CARMEN DE LA PICA MORALES!!! Oh heeeey Carmen...can't wait for you to hook up with Sha---SON OF A BITCH, Severide. Also, blast from the past, Shiri Appleby from Roswell, which makes me feel nostalgic because I watched the shit out of every show WB greenlit in the late nineties and early ots (Even Savannah!)

Gayscale: 2— Hey, thanks for including LGBT characters, but how about lets not assume that every woman just needs a Severide to remind her to fuck dudes. Kthanks. 

Pros: Greys Anatomy in a fire house in Chicago. Even includes Stern But Understanding African American Chief With Marriage Troubles. Also, Severide and Eric Dane are probably brothers.

Cons: Not as much hooking up as Greys because too many doods. Seriously lacking in Christina Yangs.

Pointless spawn: Clarice's baby with her husband. Blergh.

Best Character: Hermann, he's just great. 

Shipping: I am heteroshipping Dawson and Peter Mills, because FUCK CASEY. Oh, I ship Otis and Mouch's bromance HARD. I read that Tania Raymonde (LOST, that lifetime movie about Jodi Arias that was AMAZING) fingers crossed shes like "heeeey shaaaaay"

Once Upon A Time

Episodes In: 9

Best So Far: Eh, I don't know, but the worst one is that stupid Hansel and Gretel one...

Actor Crossover: OMG RENARD (Bond Villian, The World Is Not Enough) is Mr. Gold! 

Gayscale: I end every Regina/Emma encounter with “Then then make out?” resulting in sigh and eye roll from girlfriend.  Solid 7. And according to the internet, will increase to at least 9 in future episodes. 

Pros: I love any show with flashback storylines! The Mr. Gold backstory is thus far my favorite. 

Cons: Oh my god, painfully bad green-screen scenarios in flashback storylines, and sometimes the transition of Fairy Tale to Modern World characters are ridiculous. So many plot holes it makes LOST plot holes look like Harry Potter plot holes.

Pointless Spawn: Uhhh...I guess I can't say Henry is pointless, but he sure is annoying. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING IN THAT MINE SHAFT, YOU LITTLE SHIT???

Best Characters: Regina is deliciously evil. 

Shipping: I am quietly rooting for Regina to end up a power dyke and I don't give a fuck who it is with. 

Orange is the New Black

Episodes In: Finished it, and for the last episode Comcast’s stupid internet failed and we were so desperate we had to watch it sharing earbuds on an iPhone. 

Best So Far: When Alex gets locked in that dryer.

Actor Crossover: fucking EVERYONE, but the one that makes me laugh the hardest is Taylor Schilling was Dagney Whatsherface in that awful fucking Ayn Rand Masturbation Project- Atlas Shrugged. Because railroads are relevant! Also, Pornstache is a very scary sociopath in the finale of Law and Order: MHB (Mariska Hargitay In V Necks. I keep waiting for Helena Peabody to appear. WHERE IS HELENA????

Gayscale: 22, 78 when Laura Prepon is on the screen. Holy shit, I feel like Foreman when he realized Donna was a woman.

Number of inappropriate dreams I’ve had about Laura Prepon since the show: 15

Number of inappropriate dreams I’ve had about Laura Prepon that also involve sharks living in swimming pools: 2 (thanks Sharknado!)

Pros: you can watch it all at once in a 11 hour period while you run out of things to eat you just resort to putting mustard and shredded cheddar on old tortillas and your eyes film over from not blinking and rewind Piper getting out of solitary and.....you know.

Cons: It makes me think about heavy shit like race relations and crime recidivism and sometimes Piper is a little too Nancy-From-Weeds-Manipulative-Narcissist and I start to hate her. 

Pointless Spawn: the whole Daya-Bennett Prison Baby. Is Bennett supposed to be a protagonist? Fuck that guy.

Best Character: TAYSTEE and Poussey.

Shipping: I ship Pipalex, like everyone else. I also want Crazy Eyes to find some swirl who appreciates her in season 2.

Roundup

Shows: 3

Lesbians: 10 (1 Chicago Fire, 9 OITNB...low estimate)

The L Word Actress Appearances: 1

Over-long introductory sequences: 1 (good god, OITNB, the only thing that could make that any longer is if Betty was singing it...)

Number of These Shows My Girlfriend Will Actually Watch With Me: 2 

Coming soon:

LOST Girl

The Fosters

and if I ever start it, Defiance.